| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2004|09:56 am] |
being happy isn't a difficult concept, but is often hard to carry out. realize what makes you happy, and surround yourself with those things or those people. spend more of your free-time doing something you love. recognize what it is that causes you pain. cut yourself off from this pain. i think the cutting off part is the hardest because it can, itself, cause more pain initially. that initial hurt can scare you off. but if it becomes apparent that this thing is going to continue inflicting, that it's never going to stop, then you have to stop it. sorry honey, no one cares enough to help you, you have to help yourself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 19th, 2004|10:08 pm] |
i'm in door county. amusing, ... sure. infectous, definately. i'm kind of glad that i'm away for a little, time to clear my head. happy that i am coming home soon and will have a few days of complete freedom at home. it's nice. summery. besides a few inconviences, this has been an easy start to summer, no major disturbances. i have a lot of money right now, it's burning holes thru my pockets. right now i'm focusing on repairing ties with my past, renewing old relationships.
i'm so happy to be seeing angela again, i missed her so much. oh she called me today on the way to door county!! it was nice. and lauren, although we remained close, i think we are seeing eachother more now. (and maybe, john walker? well that's a stretch but at hey, we're talking again...
oh sammy is cute i'm going to pet her now
PS monkeyyyy.... i misss you!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2004|09:21 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | angela's cd - track 4 & 5 | ] |
this morning feels nice. i've been waking up pretty early every morning, running a couple miles (nothing impressive, i assure you) and eating (relatively) healthy lately. it's weird how not stuffing my face with greasy slop and exercising and in general being healthy has made me feel better...
today i'm seeing miriam and later, art. i want to see him before i go to door county tomorrow! miriam is going to help me pack. :) i think lauren is going to stop by and finish watching amelie, too.
hey, where's angela? i've been looking for you, grrrl. (sisters before misters, hehe i just remembered that) we finished the first silent hill.
this entry is kind of boring. oh shwell. colin denney, if you read this, i want to talk to you |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2004|03:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  numb | ] |
it's weird how this feels; so wrong, but like i deserve it... the productive kind of pain. no pain, no gain. and soon, i hope, this pain will be what forges me - if not my flesh my mind, heart, and will - and i will be born again: fitter, happier, more productive. better. it's for a good cause...
art, i'm so sorry, i wrote you an email... i hope it can explain for you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2004|10:06 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | angera's cd | ] |
oh my i saw saved! last night at 10:00 at woodfield with art, angela and tom (who are meant to be) and you'll never guess who we saw there!!!
anyways, that movie is fantastic, especially for me and angela because we have experienced first hand those type of people. mandy moore was playing kerri from covenant harbor we're pretty sure, haha. that's right, i actually went to a bible camp, and survived to tell about it.
i'll admit that they did manage to brainwash me some, they managed to convince me that my catholic upbringing was wrong, (even though i'm hardly catholic, i'm hardly anything) and they made me say all this shit i didn't understand - much less meant - out of fear and embarrassment because i was the only kid there who hadn't gone to church since my first communion. luckily, when i got home, my mom reversed the damage... boy she was pissed. in my defense, i was only what, eleven years old? i had no identity yet, and hell is a scary thought man. i'd like to think that now, i have a stronger sense of self and character...
kerri was our camp counselor, she was insane.
today, mommy woke me up at 7:30! whew. i want breakfast. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2004|02:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | thankful | ] |
so long as my heart still beats, it'll pump you through my veins - and as long as i live i will love you. i'll never be able to hate such a beautiful creature; as vicious as you may be, you do it oh-so-gracefully. i feel so faint, like i hardly exist, that in a single breathe i was just blown away. but i wonder, will you wake up from your dream and suddenly feel, suddenly suffer, suddenly be faced with the grim image of the real world? suddenly be face-to-face with me? hideous, hissing, bleeding: i'm such a fucking monster, even clothed in the finest white silk.
did i write this? when? why? what happened? how can someone change?
is everything tainted today? it was raining, i swear, just a second ago... it's time to go outside, sunshine.
destroying everything i once held sacred, i remembered the days i didn't feel so constricted. that's when i held up my hand to the light so i could see the veins and the blood pumping through them. this was all a miracle to me, that i could walk a mile in your dirty shoes and see how you see me. i'm not afraid, i'm not alone, and most of all, i'm alive. i'm alive, i'm alive, i'm alive i'm alive
with or without you, i'm alive...but i'll ask you to stay, please, anyways
because it's so much better when you're here
it will always come down to the same line. this is what i have realized... through all the conflicts, all the pain... love doesn't just go away. not the real kind, that kind that you have to forge yourself from experience and time and emotion. i feel turbulent now, my mosiac of a world is spinning off-kilter and i have said things that were stupid and caused alarm... but when i think really hard - and i have been a lot lately - i keep coming back to the same conclusion. it's so much better when you're here.
love, always. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2004|10:10 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | tycho - lauren song | ] |
hello world.
i woke up to take mommy's clothes to the dry cleaner at 8:30. oh, that's early...for summer. but i've decided i want to continue to get up somewhat early everyday, so as not to waste the usually beautiful summer days. although today is kind of crappy.
i saw the chronicles of riddick over the weekend with arthur. <3 twas fun.
i've been hanging out with angela and am seeing her today. i told her that me, val, and caitlin all think she should go to prospect this year - and she wants to. so in conclusion, angela should go to prospect.
today is spa day. woot. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2004|12:49 pm] |
i was talking to my brother today a lot. first off, i'm relieved, because i think he's not quite so the trouble-maker anymore. or at least, when he does get in trouble, it's not so emotionally traumatic. but i am also kind of sad... i can see him and his world - well just a glimpse i suppose, so perhaps i shouldn't be passing judgement, but it seems so... empty. i guess everything seems so image-based and about power and showing your power grr fear me. without love. engaging in routine rituals without feeling.
people get fucked up too much, people have sex too much without feeling, people go back on their words, people people people. everyone is hurting; hurting themselves, hurting each other. everyone is suffering. and needlessly. people fall in love with people who can't love them back or inflict pain upon them. people say what you want them to hear, with absolutely no intention of even trying to keep their word, thus expressing how much they value what you say. haha, they don't. nothing is real.
i'm tired at this point... tired of looking for reasons to convince people that they should try. you know what? maybe there isn't. obviously what i have come up with, obviously everything i say and put my heart into and scream isn't valid or at all convincing. maybe i'm a liar! it seems that everyone who is in pain is trying to convince the rest of the world that it can't get better. it seems like everyone who is throwing away their life - or putting it on hold - is on a mission to persuade the rest of the world that nothing has any value.
hey hey, maybe everyone is right. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 12th, 2004|08:13 pm] |
it can't be described as anything but a mosiac... your world will split into a collage of images that swell towards you, your world will become a disco ball. and how can you tell, of all your arms and mouths, which ones correspond with one another? which ones fit? who is the true you? who loves you? when everything looks the same, who's to judge fantasy from reality? it's so beautiful, the abandonment of logic is, but so frightening. it is, afterall, terrifying to succumb to your emotions, and be at their mercy. there really is no other way; you must fling yourself in one direction, full throttle, and just hope everything falls into place.
i have a nightmare. the ice queen, from francesca lia block's the rose and the beast, smoke curling from between her teeth. |
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| yay!!! |
[Jun. 4th, 2004|02:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | modest mouse | ] |
okay, so maybe i'm just a tad excited.
okay, so maybe i am just a tad anxious.
alright, ALRIGHT, i admit it. i'm a giddy little girl today. everyone has their days... :)
my strike against cosmetics ends tonight with prom... but after experiencing the make-up free lifestyle, i believe that i intend going back to the make-up free thing. it feels really nice to be able to rub my eyes when they itch or fall asleep on my couch/school papers/any surface without fear of smudging.
plus it does wonders for the skin. sheez, once i stopped using the concealer that i used to hide my blemishes, they went away. coincidence?
holy shit i'm talking about nothing like an idiot.
alright, ALRIGHT, i admit it. sometimes, i'm an idiot.
:) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2004|01:13 pm] |
And Cynical Self mocks, and kills, and captures and objectifies
the Happy Niche, the Ignorance Eden, into ravaged No Thing. And
why not? You are female, correct? And you dare aspire to be a
writer? Well! Best be off now to better work yourself into neu-
rosis, into suicidal paradise! That’s what we want of the damned
girls, the thinker girls, no? Silly little vagina-bearing won-
der-nut. You’re not here to SPEAK; gosh no. Your nice hole is
between your legs, not in your face, or under the pate. You’re
here to be hushed and good, pretty but not arrogant, docile and
without desire. You’re supposed to think, but only to the point
where we deem you smart enough to more strikingly shut up.
We want to see the top of your head, not the insides.
So, girl, we say: close the mouth, rest the pencil, silence the
manic thoughts. Sit, sit, and stop your pentameter, your rhythm-
obsession; ruin the meter, snuff the monstrous brain of yours
before you work yourself into some queer state of self-mutila-
tion, before our big bad words and our big long fingers cut off
the necessary parts of you, the content parts of you; the parts
that nerve to think themselves worthy of long, happy, wordy
life. Do you want that? Do you?
THEN DON’T BE AN EGOIST, GIRL. DON’T SPEAK.
sara jeanne lombardo
www.femalepersuasion.net |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2004|04:43 pm] |
by the way, i love art, and our 8 month anniversary is this thursday, the day before prom.
yayyyy |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2004|04:41 pm] |
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i don't think any of you truly know the feeling of relief. |
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| quick end |
[May. 19th, 2004|10:47 pm] |
do you admire me? or perhaps, maybe you can relate to me? or, you can analyze me and come to the conclusion that i am, ultimately, (in all my perceptions and interpretations) just... wrong. yes. i, as a person, may very well be INCORRECT. but the odds against me are the same for everyone else, including you, faithful reader.
oh you are my greatest fan, i am sure... whoever you are... you're reading this with great anticipation. especially if you hate me - that's the most passionate of emotions, isn't it? haha.
are you afraid of me? people keep telling me how intimidating i am, but that's probably just because i don't adjust for the different ranks of our precious social status system. it's mildly amusing how some people are so shocked when i inform them that they are an asshole.
maybe because i don't even apply to the social ranking system. i'm not one of you. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2004|10:52 am] |
ohhh yay for guacamole from el famous burrito!
i drew arthur's hands yesterday, skeletal.
internet is still not working on my computer.
i guess i should comment on the whole conflict that's going on, but i have nothing to say. except that i think there are a number of people who are mistaking anger for power, when really it's weakness. i don't think hatred is something to be proud of. being a bitch, maybe, but not necessarily for yourself.
i'm remembering the time i bitched out that kid on the bus who was making the girl cry, and i feel proud. i think about how i bitched out a girl because she intimidates me and i feel pathetic. intimidated? gahhh i'm dumb.
anyways, i think this is going to be interpreted this the wrong way because certain people seem to resent me a lot... i don't really feel like being a bad guy anymore, i don't konw if there's a white flag i can wave or something, but whatever i'm done. i don't really think i'm especially horrible. i actually feel pretty neutral, i think i kind of had a large dent on my precious pride for a while, and being the confident, cocky person i admit i am, it fucked with my whole perception of things. anyways, i still don't think i deserve to be badmouthed or made fun of or whatever is happening.
ok for a quick total turn of topic, i want to show my love to angela kola. my best friend for many years, angela, you really are the angel. |
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| some of my artwork. |
[May. 9th, 2004|08:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | tycho - dream as memory | ] |
some of my smaller artwork and thumbnails are scannable.
( scan happy. )
these are mostly just a few drawings i did during school but please, enjoy and critique. hopefully i'll be able to post my finished pieces soon! |
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| vagina art |
[May. 9th, 2004|07:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | proud | ] |
going through some of the works of "obscure artists" that angela told me about. some powerful stuff.
i have my weaknesses but i am nearly completely... strength
this journal will now be mostly public again. i'll only screen the ones i want to. seems logical.
call me a feminist.
now click here for some vagina art
female persuasion: female artwork
"What inspires your art? - baroque architecture, religion, sexuality, plant architecture, physics, social structures, biosynthetics, parallel universes, Tupperware, and pastries"
ps - find your fucking inspiration. go look for it. now. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2004|07:39 pm] |
we are, after all, fleeting
we are, right now, solid
this is geometric existence
everything stands classified
our presence here is recognized
and accomidated for by things
scarred to our shape
sealed, wavering, documented
oh, life isn't as hard as it seems |
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typical_youth's journal